On July 8, Russia celebrates the Day of Family, Love, and Fidelity. This national holiday is timed to coincide with the feast day of Sts. Peter and Febronia of Murom, Orthodox patron saints of marriage and family life.
We spoke with Priest Georgy Firsov, a cleric of the Church of the Dormition of the Most Holy Theotokos in Veshnyaki (Moscow) about the secret of a happy marriage.
Father Georgy is deeply involved in working with young people in his parish, helping them make the right choices and build truly strong families.
—Father Georgy, one of the main problems of modern families, it seems to me, is that people rush into registry office. They confuse love with infatuation, romantic feelings with the desire to build a family on Christian foundations. In your opinion, how much time should pass before a couple gets married? Sometimes people marry two months after meeting, barely knowing each other—and then the problems begin.
—Yes, you’re absolutely right. People start families far too quickly. I know several such families, and unfortunately, that kind of haste doesn’t always end well. On the other hand, there’s the opposite problem—people date for three or four years and still don’t get married. In reality, a couple should date for at least a year, no less. It’s good if they have some shared activity. For example, my wife and I met while feeding the homeless at a train station. It’s important to see how a person behaves in certain life situations.
—Where should people meet? On the one hand, the internet is where most connections happen nowadays. On the other hand, the internet is always a gamble…
—I think it depends on the person. God arranges things in the way that will benefit each one. What matters isn’t how you meet. Of course, it should be in decent places. What’s important is your goal—do you seriously want to build a family, what are your desires and expectations of a future spouse, and so on. I know of a case where a priest friend of mine met his future matushka online—they’ve now been happily married for five years. People meet in all different ways.
—Psychologists say that the faster you move from virtual to real life, the more likely you are to truly understand who the person is. Online, we all wear masks…
—For many people, social media is a monument to vanity. You try to present yourself as someone you’re not. Some post pious quotes, Orthodox content, decent photos, write nice things about themselves—but in real life, that same person may behave completely differently or hide things. So you shouldn’t fully trust what’s on someone’s profile. The sooner you meet in person, the sooner you’ll understand who they really are—and whether it’s worth continuing to communicate, let alone share your life.
—For Orthodox Christians, it seems best to meet within their parish community. But what if your future spouse is not living the church life? What’s your view on such marriages?
—With the young people in our parish who want to start a family, we talk about reasons why one should avoid marrying certain individuals. First of all, it’s about marrying outside the faith. Yes, I know of cases where non-Orthodox spouses have a respectful attitude toward Orthodoxy—they allow their wives to practice the faith, baptize the children, bless the home. But there are also opposite situations—when such things are not allowed. It’s hard to walk through life together when your faith is different—though, again, there are exceptions.
Also, one shouldn’t marry someone with addictions. If you see that the person is an alcoholic, drug addict, gambling addict, has deviant behavior, or lacks self-control, then it’s probably best not to build a family with him.
In addition, I don’t advise my parishioners to marry someone who is divorced. According to Scripture, whosoever shall marry her that is divorced committeth adultery (Matthew 5:32). That person may be kind, good, even a churchgoer—but they’ve already experienced a shipwreck. Sadly, I often see that second marriages lead to nothing good. The person promises to forget the past, but in a second marriage, they repeat the same mistakes.
For a woman who wants to marry, I would name three desirable qualities in a man. First: that the man loves and respects you. Without that, it’s simply impossible to build a marriage. I see no reason to marry a man who humiliates you in front of others, doesn’t love you, or shows that in some way. Without love, there’s no sense in entering marriage.
Second: a desire to have children. If a man says he loves you but isn’t ready for children, then it may turn out that he never wanted them in the first place.
And the third point for a woman entering marriage is that the man should have the desire to provide for the family. You should be concerned if your beloved says he loves you and would give you the stars, but has trouble holding down a job, doesn’t know who he is or what he wants to do for work, and generally prefers to lie down than to work. A man is someone who might be a factory director, but if times are hard, he’s willing to get behind the wheel and drive a taxi so the family won’t go hungry. A man is someone his family—and especially his wife—can rely on. A woman needs protection, stability, and some comfort in order to thrive as a woman. A man must fulfill all these roles.
—One of the pressing problems in modern society is the infantilism of men and the masculinity of women. The redistribution of gender roles often ends in divorce.
—Not always. Sometimes the man simply agrees to live that way—with a “heel-shaped hole in his forehead.”1
—Then he must be comfortable in that marriage if he accepts it. Or why else would he do it? Out of laziness? What is he trying to achieve?
—A man cannot truly be comfortable in a marriage where the woman is the leader. He may pretend; he may feel comfortable from a purely financial or physiological standpoint. There are situations where the wife earns millions, gives her husband a car for his birthday, and he stays home with the kids. But often it ends with the man leaving—for a place where he’s made to understand that he needs to become a man.
For a woman to become a man—or vice versa—is unnatural. And everything unnatural is against God. When a woman stops relying on her husband, she starts to build her own comfort and security. Then she not only attempts to change her spiritual role—she even undergoes physical changes. She may still have styled hair and a manicure, but gradually she begins to resemble a man. Surely you’ve seen such women—stern businesswomen. When she walks into a room, all the men fall silent and listen attentively to what she says.
—Can a woman change?
—You know, it’s always mutual. If a man has the desire and courage to change the situation—and the woman is willing—then anything can be restored in a family. You can come out of any pit, any stress, any family crisis. I know cases where it seemed absolutely impossible to save the marriage, but the people tried, made an effort—and now they’re still together.
—So mutual desire is key?
—Who is a man, fundamentally? First of all, he is someone responsible, someone who builds. For a woman, a man is a leader—not just someone who has an idea and wants to fulfill it, but someone who needs others to believe in his idea and follow him.
Yes, a woman can change. I’ve seen it happen—when a woman sees that a man is making a real effort, she starts listening to him and helping him. Yes, it’s very hard to change after ten, twenty, or thirty years together—but it is entirely possible. We know that change is possible for everyone; repentance is possible for everyone. There are no hopeless situations. If you begin to change, the other person might start changing too.
—Another reason people often divorce—or even marry—is the physical side of marriage. And nowadays, many couples begin with what should come only after the civil ceremony and the sacrament of Holy Matrimony. Some say: “If we don’t try it now, how can we be sure we’ll be compatible later?” But that’s a sin, a violation of the seventh commandment. How can permissiveness be overcome? Is it even possible? Chastity is no longer ‘in fashion.’
—The problem is that people say, “Let’s try with this guy, then with another, and another, and a tenth,” and later they’re left crying and wondering why they’re so unhappy. I’ve seen such cases—women coming in utter confusion: “Why did he leave me? We were together for five years, we were intimate, I cooked and ironed for him, everything was great… and then he left for someone else.” But why would he marry you, if you gave him everything before marriage? Why would he bother?
Understand this: A man isn’t someone who will try to fix something that already works for him. The depravity of modern man prevents him from seeing clearly that God never intended us harm.
Chastity at thirty? Today’s society will laugh at you. But it is normal to enter marriage chaste. When you marry after many previous relationships—that is not normal from an Orthodox point of view. In fact, it’s a mortal sin. And it all leaves its mark on the relationship. A person wastes themselves, giving a part of their soul with every new intimacy. It’s a deeply negative experience that will later interfere with life in marriage.
It’s normal to live with one woman. It’s normal to live with one man for your whole life. The thing is—there won’t be a Bible 2.0, brothers and sisters. There won’t be a Commandments 2.0. Christ has already said everything!
—At what point did this shift in values occur? It seems to me that our parents [in the Soviet Union] were much more chaste, even though they were raised in an atheistic time. Churches were closed, the Word of God was not heard on screens, and you couldn’t hear it on the radio. Why is it that now—with such an abundance of spiritual literature and open churches—we’re heading in the opposite direction? What happened?
—I wouldn’t say this change happened just now. Every era has its own shifts and deviations. We can’t say that only now are we all sinful—sin has always been with us. Even now I see couples who live together for life, who marry in chastity, who raise children. I know people who volunteer in hospitals after work, giving up family time to help the sick. And others deliver humanitarian aid to the war zone (SVO), risking their lives. Thank God, there are still many kind, self-sacrificing people living according to God's commandments.
The world never stands still—it continues to drift away from God more and more. But I wouldn't say that we’re now living in the worst time, the one described in Revelation. You brought up the example of our parents and grandparents who lived during the Soviet period—but even then there were sins. For example, abortion was not considered a sin by many back then, though it was, is, and always will be a sin.
Today is an age of comfort, where people are seeking ease and happiness—but they don’t find it in marriage, because marriage requires labor. Our grandparents, our mothers and fathers, were simply better adapted to life. They could carry their cross and didn’t treat marriage like a stroll in the park. In the past, people worked harder and life was tougher. Now we live in an age of softness and comfort.
—Father Georgy, when a family experiences a crisis, what should they do in that moment? Should they go to a psychologist or to a spiritual father? Or avoid involving any third party altogether?
—First and foremost, one must understand God’s design for marriage and follow it. It’s important to find a spiritual father—a priest—who clearly and faithfully teaches and helps you stand on the firm foundation of the Gospel, who helps preserve rather than destroy. Of course, crises and burnout may arise at certain stages. But I know that we must firmly hold to the commandment that says:
For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh. Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder (Matthew 19:5–7)
—People often say that marriage is daily work—primarily on yourself, not on trying to “fix” your spouse. If you enter marriage thinking it will be a leisurely walk, you’ll fail. But if you enter it prepared to learn how to forgive and accept another person, then there’s a chance—right?
—Marriage is indeed labor. But it’s a kind of labor that strengthens you—it’s not work that should plunge you into despair and leave you a miserable person in the end. A family gives strength, support, and children. It’s something you labor over, and from which you receive spiritual blessings in return. A large, strong family is a good thing in every way. It’s like training—after which you realize your “muscles” have grown, and you’ve become stronger and more resilient.
Family life is definitely not a walk in the park. A walk ends quickly—after the honeymoon or the first year of marriage, when people realize that it also takes work: knowing when to be silent, when to help, when to understand the other person. The modern person wants to invest here and now and immediately receive 300 percent profit. That’s exactly how people approach marriage. But it doesn’t work that way.
—In your observation, what is most often the cause of breakups and divorce?
—Most often, I encounter divorces that have no real reason—cases where people say, “We just weren’t compatible.” But in such situations, it simply takes some effort, some work on oneself, and a return to the family, rather than looking for excuses to leave it.
—The picture of the family in modern society seems rather bleak to me. Would you agree?
—Of course. There are enormous numbers of divorces and a widespread misunderstanding that one must not destroy the first marriage and then go on to a second, third, or even tenth. Unfortunately, the spirit of the age dictates its rules, and people follow them. But in my pastoral experience, I see families striving toward the good and desiring to be together for life. I know strong families where children are being born, where people love each other. Yes, they have their problems, and we talk about them. They come to me for confession. But there are also opposite examples, where people try to destroy everything, to separate, to reject what they don’t understand. And I have to tell them the same thing. I have no right to tell one thing to some and something else to others. The Law of God is the Law of God—for everyone. Of course, this must be said kindly, with pastoral compassion.
Yes, the percentage of divorces is monstrous—eighty percent. It’s a terrifying number.
But we shouldn’t be blaming the era. If a person knows the Law of God, then in any time and in any society, he can live as a Christian. We must not excuse ourselves by saying, “We live in the twenty-first century—it’s too hard.” I’ll repeat again: I know families who live chastely, in a Christian way, who are trying.
There are others, of course, who justify themselves by saying they live in difficult times and are surrounded by a certain kind of people. But that’s like saying, “No one has children anymore, things are terrible, no one is building families—everyone is alone.” But in my circle, the opposite is true. Nearly all of my friends have large families. Yes, there are couples without children, but for reasons other than a lack of desire.
Today, everything is treated lightly—fast food, fast dating, fast intimacy. That’s the problem of modern man—everything is shallow, quick, without responsibility. What does fast food teach us? You quickly stuff yourself with food that destroys your taste receptors, and then you stop appreciating real, beautiful cuisine. It’s the same in relationships—everything is fast and accessible, and after that a person stops valuing genuine emotion and true love.
But let’s not paint everything black. I see people trying to change, people who want to build a family once and for life, who want children. These are the people we should look to and learn from.
